Jerome Shockey

No Artie, it's Jeremy. [disclaimer: I may have misheard him and I'm too lazy to listen to the replay.]

Karles Barkley

No, this isn't a new project that Danger Mouse or Cee Lo is working on. Rather, it's the hybrid that Artie must have created in his mind while watching the NBA in the 90's. Although such a power forward would indeed be awesome, confusing Charles Barkley and and Karl Malone is actually pretty embarrassing. Artie went on a riff about how Charles was afraid to play against Magic Johnson once he was diagnosed with HIV [side rant: it's shockingly homophobic of Artie to analogize playing against a gay nba player with playing against someone who is HIV positive. Not all gay people have aids, artie]. Anyway, as anyone who actually watches sports knows, it was Karl Malone who expressed anxiety about playing against Magic, not Sir Charles

Just who is this Pacman Jones you speak of?

Artie must watch sports under a rock...with the tv off. How he managed to avoid hearing about the Pacman Jones' strip club story is beyond me, as it's only been on every sports program in the past week. But, to have never heard of Pacman Jones before this incident just boggles the mind. Not only is he a great player, but he actually had a huge impact in the Titans/Giants game this season. That was a huge game for the Giants because they blew a huge lead and Vince Young (heard of him, artie?) completely outplayed and outclassed Eli Manning (artie, he's the Giants' qb). Pacman had two INT (that's an abbreviation for interception, artie) and had to be avoided in the kicking game as he's a dangerous returner.

Artie's contribution to the news story today: "oh, what team does he play for?" and "is he a defensive lineman"?

Go back to sleep artie.

Donovan McNabb soon to be unemployed

Artie actually thought that Jeff Garcia had a chance to take McNabb's job next year, if he went far enough in the playoffs. While Jeff was in fact having a hot streak, the idea that he would replace QB of McNabb's quality is absurd. Garcia is 6 years older and was basically run out of the NFL. McNabb is always in the running for the MVP.


EDIT: as of 2/07, Garcia's job with the Eagles is in jeopardy because they extended AJ Feeley's contract for another three years. Looks like Artie would make a horrible GM.

The Dallas Eagles

Howard asked Artie if the Giants were good enough to beat the Cowboys this weekend. Artie went into a long speech where he pontificated on the strengths and weaknesses of both teams. The only problem was that the Giants weren't playing the Cowboys that weekend, but the Eagles. This was a huge game with playoff implications, and Artie couldn't tell the difference between the Eagles and Cowboys.

What's a Ground Rule Double?

Artie and Gary got into a debate as to what a ground rule double was. Artie defined a ground rule double as a hit that a fan interferes with by touching it. Embarrassingly, he missed the most common example of a ground rule double....when the ball actually, you know, touches the ground before it goes into the crowd. Also, the umpire has the discretion to award any amount of bases (or outs) when a fan interferes with the ball. It just so happens that the umpire usually awards a double.

The only double that artie should stick to is a jack and water.